On March 24th 2014, the unthinkable happened . After a week in the hospital , my beloved Husband succumbed to Pneumonia with acute Sepsis. As I held his hand , and watched helplessly as he slipped further and further away until he was finally gone, I thought that was the hard part.
Then came the realization that there was no Insurance , and therefore no money for a Funeral . It ripped my heart wide open as I was forced to answer question after question about his health history in order to see if he would qualify for full body donation , which would cover the cost of cremation. My Hero deserved so much more than that. I was in tears. After holding him and crying until the Funeral Home arrived , I walked out of the hospital an empty shell. My soul-mate was gone, and I would never be a whole person again.
As I rode the 40 or so Miles to go and break the news to my daughter ( who had Just recently turned six) I was on auto-pilot. The same question was circulating in my head, louder and more insistent every second. How could I tell my Baby that He was gone ? Just three short years before her biological father Had an affair and left us , moving six states away and becoming less visible and less involved every month , she had already suffered such loss, how could I add to it ? I had married my best friend, the man who had helped us pick up the pieces after the divorce , and he had been wonderful , how could I tell her that he was gone forever ?
I will never forget the look on her little freckled face as I walked through the door. At once relieved, yet knowing, and dreading . I sat her on my lap , and ask her if she thought she might know what I was about to say . She looked at me with pleading eyes , and asked " Bob's not coming home again, is he ?" "No Baby," I choked through tears, " He's gone up to heaven." We held each other and bawled until our eyes were sore , and then collected ourselves and went to break the news to the rest of the group in the living room .
By some miracle of God, coupled with the knowledge that I had to be strong for my child , I went into auto pilot , I turned off my emotions to the best of my ability , because I knew if I didn't there was no way in hell I could function and care for her . We had a minimum of six weeks before the funeral ( we were waiting for the cremains to return first) , so I had six weeks to get it together , AND create a DIY funeral, with a Six year old on my hip. I had no Idea the roller-coaster those weeks would be. The first blow came when Social Security re-posessed his check for the month of March , out of mine and Boo's April benefits . I still cannot fathom why they do this , someone has just died , this is the worst possible time to have your income yanked out of your desperate fingers.
The Second blow came when the Retirement stopped . We never made it into the office to assign me as the surviving beneficiary , we always thought we would have more time . So , a mere two weeks after losing my spouse , I had temporarily lost one half of our income, and permanently lost the other. The reality of this hit me like a tidal wave of despair, washing away my usual pluck and optimism. I tried to focus on the bright side , at least the house was paid for, and we had just paid the taxes a month before Bob died, and the house insurance was paid up for another four months , and the car was paid for , and its insurance was paid up for another month or two at least , THANK GOD for small favors !!!!!
Having no life insurance check coming (despite everyone's assumption that I must be rolling in dough from a fat life insurance check, and therefore not in need of their help )no Social security for the time being, and no more retirement check , as well as no real work history and no marketable skills , I went to the only place I could think of to ask for assistance , The department of human services. I waited in line to sign in, and filled out the paper requesting emergency assistance . They ask how much money did I have in my pocket : $2.00. How much in the bank : -$38.54 . Then they told me that no one is seen the same day, even in emergency cases, and I would have to come back in a week or two at my appointed time and see a worker.
Defeated , I returned home to a pile of overdue bills , and a sad-eyed kiddo , and hoped beyond hope that when it finally was our day , we would get some help at last !
I arrived an hour early to our appointment ( to make sure I didn't piss of the worker and get shafted because of it ) I had every conceivable piece of documentation they could possibly request in my folder ( to avoid being told to come back when I had my shit together , thus having help delayed even more) I had even brought toys for Boo, to make sure she would be behaved and not piss off the worker either .My ducks were in a row , and my bases were covered. Nothing on Earth could have prepared me for what would happen next.
WORKER :Well Mrs. Smith, Your projected income exceeds the guidelines for TANF.
ME: But our only income is $1,300.00 a month in social security widows and orphans benefits , and it hasn't even started yet .
W: the guidelines state that you cannot make more than $250.00 a month and qualify for TANF.
ME: Okay , what about utilities ? Since we lost our income every single one is way overdue , I have shut off notices on two and outstanding balances on the rest . Can you help me with that maybe ?
W: no, that's really the kind of thing we suggest you speak to your church about . You do have a church , don't you ?
ME: well yes, but it does not have the funds to help with all this .
W: how do you know that ? They might .
ME: I'm on the Vestry , I get to see a detailed treasury report every month , believe me , this is not just some blind mis-belief .
W: Well i'm sorry , but we can't help you .
ME: What about food stamps, or SNAP , or whatever you call it . can you at least help us eat ?
W: Well mam, i'm pretty sure you are over the income requirements.
ME: That can't be, it says right here that a family of two with $1,600.00 a month or less income should qualify. We only make $1,300.00, how do we not qualify?
W: Well now (stroking his walrus-like mustache) thats only with the standard deductions applied , and since you don't have rent or a car payment you don't have those deductions . But I will go ahead and run it , just to see.
ME; thank you !
W: Well M'am, it looks like you two will qualify for $141.00 a month . I know that's not a lot . . .
ME: I can work with that , I can cook from scratch , I don't mind work ! I can make that do nicely ! Thank you sir !
I felt a palpable relief as the attendant made my card , and handed it to me . It would be a few days before the money would be there, but there was help in sight , and my baby was not going to go hungry while I tried to figure things out and formulate a plan . I took her to the park to celebrate , and sat in the car watching her play , feeling hopeful for the first time in weeks. The phone rang.
WORKER: Mrs. Smith, I am so Sorry , but it looks like I forgot to calculate your daughters check , So it looks like you only qualify for $15.00 a month , but you have been approved for the next year.
(my heart sank )
ME: Well, thank you for letting me know I guess.
I hung up , breathless and deflated, a sour rumbling building in the pit of my stomach. I watched my baby , carelessly playing on the playground, and called our family physician , I was going to need some seriously heavy duty antidepressants .
Bob died during spring break , and I kept Boo home from school for another week after to give her the chance to chill before going back , but eventually the day came when it was time to return . As she clung to her beloved teacher , the look of relief on her face , as she tasted a bit of normalcy for the first time since it happened was salve for my wearied soul . She was going to be alright , I told myself . We were going to get through this , somehow, it was going to work out. When I returned to pick her up at the end of the day , I too was relieved at the familiarity , the routine , the relative normalcy. We went home and made dinner , like we used to . We talked about Bob's mansion in heaven, a popular topic these days . We had decided that he had rooms for us both, and it was blue ( his favorite color) and that his childhood pets were there , and his mom, and all of our departed loved ones . We found comfort imagining what he was doing there . We were just in the middle of deciding he was probably playing gin-rummy with Grandma Doris , Bubbe , and Great grandma Embrey when I got the text .
MRS. ___________ HAS HAD HER BABIES! TWIN BOYS !!!!
I knew exactly what this meant . oh Sweet Baby Jesus did I ever ! Complete and total routine upheaval for little Miss Boo and her OCD.
Our long haul had just gotten a lot longer . . .
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