Medicating the crap out of my little munchkin was a valiant attempt to help on the part of her Psychiatrist , but on our end it was going down in flames faster than the Hindenburg . It was in walking through the flames of the aftermath that Homeschooling her, at least for the rest of the year, began to look like the only option . Every Widow I have talked to has assured me that following the loss of a parent, it is perfectly normal for small children to want to be in sight of their remaining parent constantly , Boo however , took this to the level of white-on-rice-spider-monkey. I have always been a believer and practitioner of 'Attachment Parenting ', but this was like " Attachment parenting : Ninja Level.
She had already slept with me every night since Bob's death , but now she was attached to me at the hip 24/7, she even reverted to following me to the bathroom ! Everyday I had to dig down deep to the bottom of my barrel of patience and resurrect whatever scraps I could unearth , just to get through. It was about this time that the interest in us and our welfare among our friends, neighbors and church had died off to nearly non-existant. When she was still attending , at least half-days I was able to enjoy walks with a friend from a few blocks away, that gave me a reason to do something other than lie in bed all day pretending Bob was napping with me , or playing shoulda, coulda, woulda's over and over in my head. With her home 24/7 I couldn't do this either, but I would be lying if I said there weren't days when just coming up with a 15 minute lesson for my six year old was more taxing than my Widow-brain could handle.
I shifted my focus to literally , just putting one foot in front of the other, and thanked God about every five minutes for whoever invented Paxil. As she was (and remains ) un-medicated, some nights we were up at 3 am practicing our phonics and reading 'Madeline' because our sleep schedule had become THAT fubar'd , just from her refusal to take her melatonin. After a while , everything began to weigh on me physically , as well as mentally . My feet felt like they were encased in concrete , and impossible to drag from room to room. The days melted into each other , a relentless parade of Netflix programming as we snuggled on the couch.
After Bob died, I had to find some very creative ways for us to get by, and I didn't have a lot to work with . I began selling the nonessential furniture , and placed whatever antiques that did not have sentimental value in a small booth at a local antique shop . Craigslist and Facebook proved valuable resources in this endeavor. The money I got for the living room tables paid to keep the lights on , and the Victorian Chaise I had priced for $500, ended up going for $200, after we discovered that Bob's dearly devoted orange kitty had given his claws one hell of a workout on the back side of it . Still, it covered some groceries, and put Gas in the van. The money from the sale of our china cabinet paid for his urn.
Friday, July 18, 2014
Thursday, July 17, 2014
Rosemary's Babies
Mrs. ___________ was a wonderful Teacher , and a very sweet person , but as delighted as I was that she had safely given birth to her boys , I could not help but worry about how the rest of Kindergarten was going to play out for Boo. The first four days after the Babies arrival , she hung in there fairly well. We made it to school on time (or within 10 minutes of the bell, so not just DREADFULLY late ) and I was there like clockwork at 3pm to get her and take her home . It was on the 5th day, that all Hell broke loose. As I went around the side of the the van to open the sliding door , Boo unbuckled and climbed into the back seat . I opened the hatchback and tried to reach throughand grab her, but my short arms were no help , she deftly dodged my attempts. At last I climbed my fat ass into the back of the van and caught her , and bad back be damned, began dragging her out. I threw her over my shoulder like a sack of potatoes and started walking toward the front door of the Kindergarten , only setting her down when we arrived just inside at the rather lengthy line for tardy slips.
It was at this point , after placing her feet on the ground , that she decided to rebel. As quick as she could, Boo made a bee line for the door , I grabbed her around the waist and tried in vain to pry her white knuckles off the handle. Suddenly , she was grabbed by a strange pair of hands that began dragging her away from me , it was her principal. She began shrieking and crying with all her might , her little arms outstretched towards me , her face contorted in terror . " Put her down " I managed through the tears that were now overflowing across my face . She ran to me and latched onto my body like a terrified koala desperately clinging to the last tree in the forest. I sat down on the bench outside the principals office, and began wiping the tears off the little bundle in my lap.
In a gesture that was more of a peace offering, Mr. __________ extended his hand , with a kleenex. When we had composed ourselves, Boo and I made our way to his desk, and sat down. I was more than a little surprised to learn that he was completely unaware of My husbands passing, or the amount of school Boo had missed on account of this. I explained that we had both been traumatized enough, and that ripping her out of my arms was more than either of us could bear. We were there for about an hour , during which time I made inquiries about counseling and so on, and Mr. ___________ suggested a half day I.E.P , temporarily of course , until she felt better able to handle full days. Starting that Monday , I dropped her at the usual time , and my darling OCD child was right there to chide me if I arrived even 5 minutes after lunch began . I strove with all my might to be consistent, to be her rock , even though I hadn't slept a night through since we lost Bob, and my mind was a never-ending spiral of worry . The half days worked very well for the first week, although Boo was more than a little distressed that the Substitutes were not following Mrs.______'s lesson plan, OR the regular order of how things were done when Mrs._______ was there. For a child for whom routine and consistency are everything , I can not begin to explain how distressing this was . The following Monday Mr.________ decided it was time to increase her day by adding lunch and recess. The morning after , Boo locked herself inside the guest bathroom and announced that she was going to kill herself , so that she could go to heaven with Bob. It was a punch in the gut, and I was terrified. Once My friend Larry managed to get the door open , I called her Doctor crying , asking " what do I do ?" Who could anticipate a suicide threat from a six year old ?
The Doctor referred us to an emergency counselor , and it was determined that she did not really understand what it meant to die , or what it would take to follow through on her threat . The counselor said that Boo was just feeling the biggest and most loaded feelings she had ever felt , and that was the best way she could express just how upset she was. I called the school and let them know what was going on , Mr. _______ gave her a few days leeway before we would again attempt to bring her in for a half day again. Everyone had learned the hard way that there was only so much change my little six year old could stand , and she was at her limit. It wasn't two days later , we were driving down the road and she unbuckled her seat belt and began moving maniacally around the back of the van . I explained that she needed to sit down and buckle up before she caused a wreck that would kill us both. " Good " she said, " then we can be with Bob." She said it as matter-of-factly as if she had just announced a trip to the grocery store. I pulled over , and instructed her to hand me her car-seat, which I placed in the front passenger seat ( Bob's seat) I sat her down and buckled her up, disengaged the passenger side air-bag and continued on my way home. Shaken , But determined.
It was at this point , after placing her feet on the ground , that she decided to rebel. As quick as she could, Boo made a bee line for the door , I grabbed her around the waist and tried in vain to pry her white knuckles off the handle. Suddenly , she was grabbed by a strange pair of hands that began dragging her away from me , it was her principal. She began shrieking and crying with all her might , her little arms outstretched towards me , her face contorted in terror . " Put her down " I managed through the tears that were now overflowing across my face . She ran to me and latched onto my body like a terrified koala desperately clinging to the last tree in the forest. I sat down on the bench outside the principals office, and began wiping the tears off the little bundle in my lap.
In a gesture that was more of a peace offering, Mr. __________ extended his hand , with a kleenex. When we had composed ourselves, Boo and I made our way to his desk, and sat down. I was more than a little surprised to learn that he was completely unaware of My husbands passing, or the amount of school Boo had missed on account of this. I explained that we had both been traumatized enough, and that ripping her out of my arms was more than either of us could bear. We were there for about an hour , during which time I made inquiries about counseling and so on, and Mr. ___________ suggested a half day I.E.P , temporarily of course , until she felt better able to handle full days. Starting that Monday , I dropped her at the usual time , and my darling OCD child was right there to chide me if I arrived even 5 minutes after lunch began . I strove with all my might to be consistent, to be her rock , even though I hadn't slept a night through since we lost Bob, and my mind was a never-ending spiral of worry . The half days worked very well for the first week, although Boo was more than a little distressed that the Substitutes were not following Mrs.______'s lesson plan, OR the regular order of how things were done when Mrs._______ was there. For a child for whom routine and consistency are everything , I can not begin to explain how distressing this was . The following Monday Mr.________ decided it was time to increase her day by adding lunch and recess. The morning after , Boo locked herself inside the guest bathroom and announced that she was going to kill herself , so that she could go to heaven with Bob. It was a punch in the gut, and I was terrified. Once My friend Larry managed to get the door open , I called her Doctor crying , asking " what do I do ?" Who could anticipate a suicide threat from a six year old ?
The Doctor referred us to an emergency counselor , and it was determined that she did not really understand what it meant to die , or what it would take to follow through on her threat . The counselor said that Boo was just feeling the biggest and most loaded feelings she had ever felt , and that was the best way she could express just how upset she was. I called the school and let them know what was going on , Mr. _______ gave her a few days leeway before we would again attempt to bring her in for a half day again. Everyone had learned the hard way that there was only so much change my little six year old could stand , and she was at her limit. It wasn't two days later , we were driving down the road and she unbuckled her seat belt and began moving maniacally around the back of the van . I explained that she needed to sit down and buckle up before she caused a wreck that would kill us both. " Good " she said, " then we can be with Bob." She said it as matter-of-factly as if she had just announced a trip to the grocery store. I pulled over , and instructed her to hand me her car-seat, which I placed in the front passenger seat ( Bob's seat) I sat her down and buckled her up, disengaged the passenger side air-bag and continued on my way home. Shaken , But determined.
When shit gets REAL.
On March 24th 2014, the unthinkable happened . After a week in the hospital , my beloved Husband succumbed to Pneumonia with acute Sepsis. As I held his hand , and watched helplessly as he slipped further and further away until he was finally gone, I thought that was the hard part.
Then came the realization that there was no Insurance , and therefore no money for a Funeral . It ripped my heart wide open as I was forced to answer question after question about his health history in order to see if he would qualify for full body donation , which would cover the cost of cremation. My Hero deserved so much more than that. I was in tears. After holding him and crying until the Funeral Home arrived , I walked out of the hospital an empty shell. My soul-mate was gone, and I would never be a whole person again.
As I rode the 40 or so Miles to go and break the news to my daughter ( who had Just recently turned six) I was on auto-pilot. The same question was circulating in my head, louder and more insistent every second. How could I tell my Baby that He was gone ? Just three short years before her biological father Had an affair and left us , moving six states away and becoming less visible and less involved every month , she had already suffered such loss, how could I add to it ? I had married my best friend, the man who had helped us pick up the pieces after the divorce , and he had been wonderful , how could I tell her that he was gone forever ?
I will never forget the look on her little freckled face as I walked through the door. At once relieved, yet knowing, and dreading . I sat her on my lap , and ask her if she thought she might know what I was about to say . She looked at me with pleading eyes , and asked " Bob's not coming home again, is he ?" "No Baby," I choked through tears, " He's gone up to heaven." We held each other and bawled until our eyes were sore , and then collected ourselves and went to break the news to the rest of the group in the living room .
By some miracle of God, coupled with the knowledge that I had to be strong for my child , I went into auto pilot , I turned off my emotions to the best of my ability , because I knew if I didn't there was no way in hell I could function and care for her . We had a minimum of six weeks before the funeral ( we were waiting for the cremains to return first) , so I had six weeks to get it together , AND create a DIY funeral, with a Six year old on my hip. I had no Idea the roller-coaster those weeks would be. The first blow came when Social Security re-posessed his check for the month of March , out of mine and Boo's April benefits . I still cannot fathom why they do this , someone has just died , this is the worst possible time to have your income yanked out of your desperate fingers.
The Second blow came when the Retirement stopped . We never made it into the office to assign me as the surviving beneficiary , we always thought we would have more time . So , a mere two weeks after losing my spouse , I had temporarily lost one half of our income, and permanently lost the other. The reality of this hit me like a tidal wave of despair, washing away my usual pluck and optimism. I tried to focus on the bright side , at least the house was paid for, and we had just paid the taxes a month before Bob died, and the house insurance was paid up for another four months , and the car was paid for , and its insurance was paid up for another month or two at least , THANK GOD for small favors !!!!!
Having no life insurance check coming (despite everyone's assumption that I must be rolling in dough from a fat life insurance check, and therefore not in need of their help )no Social security for the time being, and no more retirement check , as well as no real work history and no marketable skills , I went to the only place I could think of to ask for assistance , The department of human services. I waited in line to sign in, and filled out the paper requesting emergency assistance . They ask how much money did I have in my pocket : $2.00. How much in the bank : -$38.54 . Then they told me that no one is seen the same day, even in emergency cases, and I would have to come back in a week or two at my appointed time and see a worker.
Defeated , I returned home to a pile of overdue bills , and a sad-eyed kiddo , and hoped beyond hope that when it finally was our day , we would get some help at last !
I arrived an hour early to our appointment ( to make sure I didn't piss of the worker and get shafted because of it ) I had every conceivable piece of documentation they could possibly request in my folder ( to avoid being told to come back when I had my shit together , thus having help delayed even more) I had even brought toys for Boo, to make sure she would be behaved and not piss off the worker either .My ducks were in a row , and my bases were covered. Nothing on Earth could have prepared me for what would happen next.
WORKER :Well Mrs. Smith, Your projected income exceeds the guidelines for TANF.
ME: But our only income is $1,300.00 a month in social security widows and orphans benefits , and it hasn't even started yet .
W: the guidelines state that you cannot make more than $250.00 a month and qualify for TANF.
ME: Okay , what about utilities ? Since we lost our income every single one is way overdue , I have shut off notices on two and outstanding balances on the rest . Can you help me with that maybe ?
W: no, that's really the kind of thing we suggest you speak to your church about . You do have a church , don't you ?
ME: well yes, but it does not have the funds to help with all this .
W: how do you know that ? They might .
ME: I'm on the Vestry , I get to see a detailed treasury report every month , believe me , this is not just some blind mis-belief .
W: Well i'm sorry , but we can't help you .
ME: What about food stamps, or SNAP , or whatever you call it . can you at least help us eat ?
W: Well mam, i'm pretty sure you are over the income requirements.
ME: That can't be, it says right here that a family of two with $1,600.00 a month or less income should qualify. We only make $1,300.00, how do we not qualify?
W: Well now (stroking his walrus-like mustache) thats only with the standard deductions applied , and since you don't have rent or a car payment you don't have those deductions . But I will go ahead and run it , just to see.
ME; thank you !
W: Well M'am, it looks like you two will qualify for $141.00 a month . I know that's not a lot . . .
ME: I can work with that , I can cook from scratch , I don't mind work ! I can make that do nicely ! Thank you sir !
I felt a palpable relief as the attendant made my card , and handed it to me . It would be a few days before the money would be there, but there was help in sight , and my baby was not going to go hungry while I tried to figure things out and formulate a plan . I took her to the park to celebrate , and sat in the car watching her play , feeling hopeful for the first time in weeks. The phone rang.
WORKER: Mrs. Smith, I am so Sorry , but it looks like I forgot to calculate your daughters check , So it looks like you only qualify for $15.00 a month , but you have been approved for the next year.
(my heart sank )
ME: Well, thank you for letting me know I guess.
Then came the realization that there was no Insurance , and therefore no money for a Funeral . It ripped my heart wide open as I was forced to answer question after question about his health history in order to see if he would qualify for full body donation , which would cover the cost of cremation. My Hero deserved so much more than that. I was in tears. After holding him and crying until the Funeral Home arrived , I walked out of the hospital an empty shell. My soul-mate was gone, and I would never be a whole person again.
As I rode the 40 or so Miles to go and break the news to my daughter ( who had Just recently turned six) I was on auto-pilot. The same question was circulating in my head, louder and more insistent every second. How could I tell my Baby that He was gone ? Just three short years before her biological father Had an affair and left us , moving six states away and becoming less visible and less involved every month , she had already suffered such loss, how could I add to it ? I had married my best friend, the man who had helped us pick up the pieces after the divorce , and he had been wonderful , how could I tell her that he was gone forever ?
I will never forget the look on her little freckled face as I walked through the door. At once relieved, yet knowing, and dreading . I sat her on my lap , and ask her if she thought she might know what I was about to say . She looked at me with pleading eyes , and asked " Bob's not coming home again, is he ?" "No Baby," I choked through tears, " He's gone up to heaven." We held each other and bawled until our eyes were sore , and then collected ourselves and went to break the news to the rest of the group in the living room .
By some miracle of God, coupled with the knowledge that I had to be strong for my child , I went into auto pilot , I turned off my emotions to the best of my ability , because I knew if I didn't there was no way in hell I could function and care for her . We had a minimum of six weeks before the funeral ( we were waiting for the cremains to return first) , so I had six weeks to get it together , AND create a DIY funeral, with a Six year old on my hip. I had no Idea the roller-coaster those weeks would be. The first blow came when Social Security re-posessed his check for the month of March , out of mine and Boo's April benefits . I still cannot fathom why they do this , someone has just died , this is the worst possible time to have your income yanked out of your desperate fingers.
The Second blow came when the Retirement stopped . We never made it into the office to assign me as the surviving beneficiary , we always thought we would have more time . So , a mere two weeks after losing my spouse , I had temporarily lost one half of our income, and permanently lost the other. The reality of this hit me like a tidal wave of despair, washing away my usual pluck and optimism. I tried to focus on the bright side , at least the house was paid for, and we had just paid the taxes a month before Bob died, and the house insurance was paid up for another four months , and the car was paid for , and its insurance was paid up for another month or two at least , THANK GOD for small favors !!!!!
Having no life insurance check coming (despite everyone's assumption that I must be rolling in dough from a fat life insurance check, and therefore not in need of their help )no Social security for the time being, and no more retirement check , as well as no real work history and no marketable skills , I went to the only place I could think of to ask for assistance , The department of human services. I waited in line to sign in, and filled out the paper requesting emergency assistance . They ask how much money did I have in my pocket : $2.00. How much in the bank : -$38.54 . Then they told me that no one is seen the same day, even in emergency cases, and I would have to come back in a week or two at my appointed time and see a worker.
Defeated , I returned home to a pile of overdue bills , and a sad-eyed kiddo , and hoped beyond hope that when it finally was our day , we would get some help at last !
I arrived an hour early to our appointment ( to make sure I didn't piss of the worker and get shafted because of it ) I had every conceivable piece of documentation they could possibly request in my folder ( to avoid being told to come back when I had my shit together , thus having help delayed even more) I had even brought toys for Boo, to make sure she would be behaved and not piss off the worker either .My ducks were in a row , and my bases were covered. Nothing on Earth could have prepared me for what would happen next.
WORKER :Well Mrs. Smith, Your projected income exceeds the guidelines for TANF.
ME: But our only income is $1,300.00 a month in social security widows and orphans benefits , and it hasn't even started yet .
W: the guidelines state that you cannot make more than $250.00 a month and qualify for TANF.
ME: Okay , what about utilities ? Since we lost our income every single one is way overdue , I have shut off notices on two and outstanding balances on the rest . Can you help me with that maybe ?
W: no, that's really the kind of thing we suggest you speak to your church about . You do have a church , don't you ?
ME: well yes, but it does not have the funds to help with all this .
W: how do you know that ? They might .
ME: I'm on the Vestry , I get to see a detailed treasury report every month , believe me , this is not just some blind mis-belief .
W: Well i'm sorry , but we can't help you .
ME: What about food stamps, or SNAP , or whatever you call it . can you at least help us eat ?
W: Well mam, i'm pretty sure you are over the income requirements.
ME: That can't be, it says right here that a family of two with $1,600.00 a month or less income should qualify. We only make $1,300.00, how do we not qualify?
W: Well now (stroking his walrus-like mustache) thats only with the standard deductions applied , and since you don't have rent or a car payment you don't have those deductions . But I will go ahead and run it , just to see.
ME; thank you !
W: Well M'am, it looks like you two will qualify for $141.00 a month . I know that's not a lot . . .
ME: I can work with that , I can cook from scratch , I don't mind work ! I can make that do nicely ! Thank you sir !
I felt a palpable relief as the attendant made my card , and handed it to me . It would be a few days before the money would be there, but there was help in sight , and my baby was not going to go hungry while I tried to figure things out and formulate a plan . I took her to the park to celebrate , and sat in the car watching her play , feeling hopeful for the first time in weeks. The phone rang.
WORKER: Mrs. Smith, I am so Sorry , but it looks like I forgot to calculate your daughters check , So it looks like you only qualify for $15.00 a month , but you have been approved for the next year.
(my heart sank )
ME: Well, thank you for letting me know I guess.
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